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Marriage: Why We Are Failing

18 February 2010 1,114 views No Comment

By Abdur-Rehman

We always hear stories in our communities of the Muslims and their marriage problem. In fact, these stories have gotten worse and more drama like as the years pass. We hear stories of our sisters who had such high expectations of marriage and they end up with really whack husbands. We hear about our brothers and their wives who cheat on them and destroy their lives. We hear even a third category: people who marry depressing people who have had bad pasts. And after years and years of one partner putting in so much effort, it still ends up in divorce because of the pessimism and emotional problems of the other partner.

Really, we have seen that the divorce rates have gone up in the Muslim communities and we always wonder why. In this article, I would like to do my best to explain why the Muslim marriages have become very similar to American marriages. I would like to explain, in my viewpoint, why our brothers and sisters are suffering. Then I would like to give a remedy for us and a solution and before I do, I want us to keep one thing in my mind: Everything good or bad that happens to us, it is because of our own selves. There is nothing in the world that is out of God’s control but at the same time, trials come upon us of extremes because we have been negligent to God. And this is the general rule of thumb with some exceptions of course.

Sincerity is the main ingredient behind a marriage. That means that the people who want to get married are sincere in wanting the other person. They should not have some external self-fulfilling reasons for marriage that are not appropriate such as marriage with the intention of divorce or the green card. These can be partial reasons but they should not be the main reasons for marriage.

We also do not seem to understand gender differences when it comes to marriage. A lot of guys will treat their spouses with neglect and expect them to be completely able to understand this neglect. By this, it can be something very simple as being there for them in emotional times or responding to the wife’s ten to twelve phone calls asking him where he is. Also the females complain about abuse as well as a top issue that they worry about after marriage. The guys should understand that marriage will involve another person that is very sensitive, has emotional needs and has certain fears that they must not come close to exposing.

Women also do not seem to understand men as well as they think. A man always wants to be needed so whenever a woman acts like he has not done much for her, this turns off the man. This is documented not just through studies with marriage but just studies with relationships in general. A man also wants a loyal woman and cannot stand even the least bit of treachery by the woman. This does not mean just cheating on him but can also go to the area of revealing secrets that he has told to his wife and she goes and tells her friends. A man’s honor is very important to him as a woman’s dignity is important to her and we will be successful if we understand the gender differences between men and women.

I feel compelled to attack psychology here as that field claims that men and women have no difference and are completely the same. All I say to that is that we may be the same spiritually but even a monkey can see that we are not the same physically or emotionally, in general. The last area that can cause problems in a marriage is the one above: when men and women try to play each other’s roles. What causes tension in a family are issues like the wife being the breadwinner or the man being the wimp and whiny type. We need to realize certain qualities are distinctive to a man and certain responsibilities are distinctive to him. The same goes for a woman and we need to turn to our infallible texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah to learn about these characteristics and responsibilities. And when we know them, we will have success.

May Allah (Subhana wa Ta’ala) accept the good in this article and forgive me for anything wrong I may have said. The good is from our Lord above and the evil is from me and the Shaytaan.

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